Tangled Webs
by Igiveup
Summary: Tholian Web, with a slashy twist. Why *was* McCoy so harsh to Spock throughout the episode?


**_Well, I've stepped out of my comfort zone for this story. This is my very first Star Trek story. It had originally appeared in the fanzine Spiced Peaches XV, and now I can finally post it here. This _is _a slash story, specifically Spock/McCoy, so if same sex relationships make you uncomfortable you might want to hit the back button right about now._**

**_I'd like to thank J. Rosemary Moss for being my beta, and bcbdrums for taking the time to get me the dialogue from the bridge scene at the conclusion of Tholian Web, as well as her own kind words and suggestions._**

* * *

"I need not explain my rational to you, nor anyone else on this crew," Spock said.

His patience was starting to wear thin. The situation was dire, yet McCoy seemed eager to fight. True, he had been quite close to Jim, as Spock himself had been, but this was not the time to let his emotions overtake him. It also seemed as if McCoy was determined to make the Vulcan lose his temper. And if so, it was in danger of working.

"There is a margin of variation in any experiment," Spock continued his lecture, "While there was a chance I was bound legally and morally to ascertain the captain's status."

"You mean to be sure he was dead," McCoy said quietly.

A seemingly endless silence followed, which McCoy took to mean "yes." He could feel his anger building. _How can he be so blasted **cold**?_ The three of them had been so close... how could Spock remain so distant especially now that Jim was gone? It. wasn't. **_fair._** McCoy felt as though he had been abandoned. He wanted to shake Spock, get _some _kind of emotional reaction from him, _any _kind of reaction.

"You made certain of that!" McCoy finally lashed out, regretting the words even as he said them. It was a cruel and horribly unfair thing to say, but it was too late now to take it back. He pushed aside the guilt he felt and held on to his anger.

"That is enough Doctor," Spock's voice was cold and steady, but McCoy saw a fleeting look of hurt in his eyes. "We both have other things to do."

Jim had left a recording of his final words to be watched in the event of his death. Some last words of advice for his colleagues and friends. McCoy wasn't sure what was in the message, but he was pretty sure that it did not include approval of him and Spock biting each other's heads off.

But he still could not let go of his anger, nor did he want Spock to win this battle.

"Yes I have something to do," McCoy said, his voice almost as cold as Spock's, "If this crew is to survive, I have to find an antidote for this space you've locked us into."

"You may return to your duties as soon as we discharge our responsibilities here," Spock's impatience was finally starting to show in his voice.

_Just a little bit more, and he might actually break, _McCoy thought darkly. "No hurry, Mr. Spock. The antidote probably doesn't concern you. Vulcans are probably immune, so just take your time."

Spock merely turned his attention back to the safe. As he typed in the code and removed the disk, McCoy spoke again.

"I must admit I don't understand you Spock," _Especially since I deserve a punch in the mouth. Why won't you react?!_ "I just can't believe that you would want Jim's command."

McCoy knew he was treading on dangerous ground, and that he was doing more to make the situation worse instead of better. He did his best to silence the part of his mind that was telling him to shut up already.

Spock remained silent as McCoy continued. "But you must know if you get us out of this situation they'll pin a medal on your chest and give you command of the Enterprise."

"Doctor, I _am _in command of the Enterprise," Spock stressed each word slowly, as if addressing an idiot. McCoy could tell that Spock was really starting to struggle with his efforts to maintain control of his temper.

Another long silence, and this seemed to last longer than the first time. As it stretched out, common sense made one last weak appeal to McCoy. _Haven't you pushed him enough? That's all the reaction you're going to get out of him. Why are you so determined to get an emotional response from him anyway? He's a **Vulcan**__**. **You should not expect him to act against his nature just so you can feel better. You say you don't want to go through this alone-but yet you are driving him further away. He's the only person on this blasted ship who **really **knows what Jim's death feels like. You feel alone now? Just keep talking. Ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophecy?_

"I would like to remedy that situation," McCoy said finally. _And just who in the hell would you have take Spock's place? _His conscience tried to interject. _Scotty?_ **_You?_** McCoy pushed the guilt aside, and waited to see how Spock would react.

Spock slipped the disk into the computer and stood up. McCoy half expected to be struck, but Spock kept his hands at his sides as he spoke.

"If you believe I have acted irregularly, then relieve me of duty. That is your prerogative as medical officer of this ship," he told McCoy in that same cold voice.

Spock felt that if anyone was acting irregularly it was McCoy. He knew that he should be fully accustomed to the doctor's insults and harsh comments by now; yet somehow McCoy always managed to say something that affected him. Now was no exception. Perhaps it was Jim's death--or, to be more precise, McCoy's accusation that Spock was somehow responsible for it.

McCoy did have a tendency to regret some of the things he had said. Perhaps later he would feel remorse and make an attempt to apologize. Then again, if he truly believed what he was saying this time around, he might not. Spock did not know what to think about that. Aside from Jim, McCoy was his closest friend. Spock did not want to lose that friendship as well.

"_Why you green blooded son of a bitch!" _McCoy lashed out, slamming his fist into Spock's face. The momentum sent Spock falling back against the desk. He threw up his arms to shield himself as McCoy continued to flail away at him.

The space madness that had affected the other crew members, was it now affecting McCoy as well? Spock tried to grab onto McCoy's wrists. If it _was _the madness making McCoy act this way, the logical thing to do was to get him to sickbay before he injured himself or someone else.

That would indeed have been the logical thing to do, but for reasons that remained murky Spock allowed the fight to continue. There were some plausible answers: The space madness had started to affect him as well, the intensity of the emotions McCoy was feeling were overwhelming Spock, or, perhaps it was just Spock's human side finally having had enough abuse and wanting to fight back. All plausible, but not entirely accurate.

Spock eventually managed to grab onto McCoy's wrists. He pulled the doctor towards him, intending to restrain him until he could calm down. Instead, McCoy caught Spock(and himself) completely off guard by kissing the Vulcan as hard as he could.

Fear, grief, rage, guilt, longing, love... so many emotions felt all at once in that one kiss. Spock should have brought things to a halt-but he found himself unwilling to do so. Within that kiss he felt McCoy's desperate need to be _near _him, to release all these pent up emotions that he felt. If going along with this could help him... Spock was willing to do it. Perhaps... perhaps _he _needed it as much as McCoy did.

McCoy had been shocked enough by his own brash actions; when Spock actually returned the kiss, McCoy suddenly wasn't sure what he felt. Delight? Well, yes, since he had been pushing for an emotional reaction after all. He also felt confused. Did this mean he was forgiven for his harsh words? Could Spock truly want this as much as he did? Just how far was Spock willing to let things go?

_Don't think about it anymore, _he finally decided, as Spock pulled him closer, _just enjoy it._

McCoy's hands slid down Spock's sides, moving toward the waistband of his trousers. He could also feel Spock's hands moving over him, sliding under his shirt. More... McCoy wanted more. He was trying so hard to just lose himself in the moment, but his swirling emotions refused to let him. The pain, the guilt, and most especially the confusion brought on by Spock's going along with things kept him fully distracted. He had to make it all go away.

Spock lightly brushed his fingers across McCoy's face in a caress. He had intended it to be a comforting gesture, but it seemed to confuse and upset McCoy all the more. _Why?_ Spock did not have long to wonder. McCoy did not simply desire to be joined with Spock physically, but _mentally_ as well.

They pulled apart just enough for McCoy to catch his breath. Spock stared into those blue eyes that were pleading for him to help stop the pain. McCoy's guilt still remained, and Spock could tell that McCoy felt as though he had no right to ask for such a thing after what he had said, but needed to ask all the same.

Seeing McCoy in pain was hurting Spock. The emotions were so strong, there was literally physical pain. Spock wanted to make it go away, but the desire to mind-meld gave him pause.

Did McCoy truly understand what he was asking for? True, he had experienced a mind-meld with the Spock of the so-called "Mirror Universe." That time had been involuntary, but Spock wondered if it would be any more so now. McCoy was in a highly emotional state, and his judgement was clouded because of it. Perhaps going along with things had not been the wisest choice to make.

Spock had a sense though, that if he refused, McCoy would interpret it as rejection, abandonment. It might do more harm than good. Or so Spock told himself. But he knew the truth-he knew he wanted McCoy too much to turn back now. Spock closed his eyes, pulling McCoy close as he did so. He would continue to go along with things, and they would both deal with the consequences later, whatever they might be.

To say they had forgotten about the Tholians would be untrue. It was more that their importance had greatly diminished. For the time being, nothing outside of the ship-outside of this cabin-mattered.

This time it was Spock who initiated the kiss, placing his hands against McCoy's face. McCoy opened his mind to him, and Spock did the same. Spock shared with McCoy his own feelings of grief at Jim's death, the strange feeling of incompleteness he felt now that part of their trinity was gone... and perhaps most importantly, his love and respect for McCoy.

McCoy had in a sense suspected that his feelings for Spock were returned... but now there could no longer be a hint of doubt. This was not wishful thinking on his part, nor was Spock letting things go this far out of pity. _He really **does** want this,_ McCoy realized, his confusion finally slipping away.

His hands slid back over and under Spock's clothes, struggling to pull them off as Spock did the same with his. They moved away from the desk and stretched out on the floor.

A low whistle from the intercom abruptly brought them back to reality. Spock and McCoy broke away from each other as if they'd been burned.

Spock, his dark hair slightly tousled and the right sleeve of his tunic ripped, stood up and went to answer the message.

"Spock here," he said, in a clipped tone as if nothing out of the ordinary were going on. McCoy almost wanted to laugh, but at the same time he felt a slight sense of dread. _Now what?_ he wondered.

"Mister Spock," Scotty's voice came in through the intercom. "We have a readout on the Tholian Tractor field. I think we can estimate its approximate completion time."

_Oh, right. Tholians are trying to trap the ship in their web? Crew members going insane due to the inner space we're in? Ring any bells, Doctor?_ McCoy silently scolded himself. _Wasn't that long ago you were giving Spock grief about it._ He really needed to get his priorities straight.

He glanced over at Spock, who had concluded his conversation with Scotty. His expression, as always, was almost impossible to read. McCoy had a sneaking suspicion though that Spock was not pleased to have let his emotions get the best of him. _They wouldn't have if I hadn't pushed you, _McCoy thought guiltily. He wanted to say something, but had no idea what would be the right thing to say.

Spock pressed a button on the computer then moved over to McCoy, who was still sitting on the floor. He silently held out his hand to help McCoy to his feet.

At that moment Jim's face appeared on the screen. Both Spock and McCoy were silent as the voice of their now dead friend filled the room.

"Bones, Spock. Since you are playing this tape, we will assume that I am dead and the tactical situation is critical and both of you are locked in mortal combat."

_You mean with each other? _McCoy thought wryly. It actually would not surprise him if that sentence did have a double meaning. Jim had ocasionally remarked that it seemed as if he was the only thing keeping McCoy and Spock from killing each other. He turned his attention back to the tape.

"It means, Spock, that you have control of the ship and are probably making the most difficult choices of your career. I can offer only one small piece of advice for whatever it's worth. Use every scrap of logic and knowledge you have to save the ship, but temper your judgement with intuitive insight. I believe you have those qualities, but if you can't find them in yourself, seek out McCoy, ask his advice, and, if you find it sound, take it."

_I'm sure that 'advice' does not include accusing him of usurping Jim's command, or trying to force an emotional response from him._ McCoy thought, feeling even more guilty as the tape continued. Spock was hardly to blame for what was happening, and as McCoy remembered, Spock had even offered to stay behind on the _Defiant_ instead of Jim, but Jim wouldn't let him.

Upon hearing his nickname, McCoy once more returned his attention to the tape.

"Bones, you just heard what I told Spock. Help him if you can. But remember, he is the captain, his decisions must be followed, without question."

_Already broke that rule,_ McCoy thought to himself, feeling even more ashamed as the tape continued.

"You might find that he is capable of human insight and human error, they are most difficult to defend."

McCoy had accused Spock of being in error by staying to fight the Tholians, but as Spock had pointed out, it was what Jim would have done. Did that make his actions a 'human error'? Would the more logical choice have been to leave when the Tholians first made their threat? McCoy shook his head, trying to clear it.

"... find that he is deserving of the same loyalty and confidence each of you have given me. Take care."

The screen went blank. McCoy tried to sort through his emotions. He had not shown Spock respect, he had not helped him. If anything he had made things even worse for Spock, who probably wished that Jim had allowed him to remain on the _Defiant._

The thought of the doomed ship brought McCoy's mind back to the here and now. If he could not come up with that antidote, the crew would most likely kill themselves before the Tholians could finish them off. He had to get back to work. Still, his feelings of guilt lingered.

"Spock..." he said softly, his first words since he struck the Vulcan. "I... I'm sorry. It does hurt, doesn't it?"

Whatever closeness that had existed between the two of them prior to Scotty's interruption seemed gone now, as Spock softly replied, "What would you have me say, Doctor?"

The flash of pain and guilt in McCoy's eyes did not go unnoticed by Spock. It was important, though, that they stay on task this time. The safety of the entire crew was at stake, they could not afford to let their emotions get the best of them again. McCoy was a professional, he had to understand that, right? Though perhaps Spock could try to soften his words a little, if only to prevent another emotional outburst.

"Doctor, I believe we each have our respective tasks to complete before the Tholians complete theirs." It seemed to work, as McCoy slowly nodded in agreement.

Yes... the safety of the ship was the most important thing right now, not their emotions. They both needed to remember that. Spock returned the disk to its place inside the safe, and then they silently left the cabin.

* * *

McCoy leaned forward in his chair in sickbay and rested his head on the desk. He had no idea that the situation could get worse than it already was. As if the crew turning violent and the Tholians weren't enough to worry about, they now had a new problem. Uhura had darted out of her cabin, dressed in her nightclothes, babbling that she had seen Jim reflected in her mirror. She kept insisting that she was not hallucinating, and that she had to tell Spock right away. She collapsed in a faint before she had a chance.

Scotty had been attacked by an ensign in the engine room, and then _he, _Scotty, had claimed to see Jim as well. At least Scotty didn't faint, and, sighting of the former captain non withstanding, still seemed more or less able to work. But McCoy had no idea how long that would last.

McCoy rubbed his eyes. Was this another symptom of the space madness? Or were they two separate occurrences? He supposed they were connected, at least in the sense that the stress of the situation was driving crew members to near break down in other ways. The stress was starting to affect McCoy, it was enough to make his head and muscles ache. He feared that _he_ might be the one to break next, joining his fellow crew members in one private hell or another.

_How's Spock dealing with all of this?_ McCoy wondered, his thoughts suddenly shifting gears. He found himself thinking of their kiss-the second one, with the mind-meld. He remembered the feeling of Spock's lips against his own, about how _right_ it felt to be in his arms. The mind-meld... in a sense it was far more intimate than sex. Their thoughts and feelings were not hidden from each other, for that brief moment there had been no distance between them. McCoy longed to have that feeling back...

_Snap out of it! _He mentally shook himself out of his reverie. _No wonder you haven't come up with a cure yet, you're daydreaming like some love struck teenager! _He couldn't help but wonder though, if Spock now resented him for forcing him to show his emotions. _You've got more important things to worry about right now,_ McCoy lectured himself.

He got up and made his way to the bridge. As captain, Spock needed to be informed of what was going on. At least that was the excuse McCoy gave himself. Deep down, though, he knew he just wanted to be near Spock again.

Spock was sitting in the captain's chair, his arms folded across his chest, his expression unreadable. McCoy filled him in on all that had happened, including the sightings of Jim.

"It sounds like a horror story, do you suppose there's any truth to it?" he finally asked.

"In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see," Spock answered, his voice as clinical and detached as if he were giving a lecture, instead of discussing members of his own crew whose survival depended on him.

"Do you suppose they're seeing Jim because they've lost confidence in you?" _What the hell?_ McCoy thought with some shock as the words left his mouth. That wasn't fair. He knew Spock was having even less fun than he was, but the coldness in Spock's voice had stung, and McCoy found himself wanting to strike back, again.

"I was merely stating a fact Doctor," Spock said defensively. Hadn't they gone through this before? Why did McCoy want to fight again? He had seemed to understand the seriousness of the situation previously...

"It's getting critical. Even Scotty's been affected, and if he goes under that's the finish of whatever chance we have of getting the Enterprise out of here." McCoy's voice almost shook with frustration. He had no idea what it was he wanted from Spock-perhaps he resented the fact that Spock had managed to regain control so easily while McCoy's own mind felt like it was about to shatter.

Being calm, of course was the correct response to any emergency. But McCoy could not seem to do it.

"Please leave that to me, Doctor McCoy," Spock said coldly, his impatience slipping into his voice again. "I realize that the crew are your prime concern. You can best serve them in your laboratory. I urge you to confine yourself to it until a remedy has been found."

McCoy felt as though he had been slapped in the face. Spock had coldly dismissed him, already turning his attention back to the view screen. For the second time, he felt something snap.

"SPOCK!" he spat angrily, spinning the chair around so they were facing each other. The anger drained out of him when he locked eyes with the Vulcan. Reflected in those eyes he saw fear, concern, uncertainty... _love?_

The silence between them lingered again. It truly was a repeat of their fight in Jim's cabin. McCoy knew that Spock was doing the best he could, and that nothing that was happening could really be considered his fault. No, this was not a matter of fault so much as it was just really, _really_ bad luck.

_And once again you've done your part to make things worse instead of better. _McCoy remembered Jim's final words:

"_Help Spock if you can..." _What he was doing was definitely not helpful at all.

"Must be this space is getting to me too," he said softly. _That's not a total lie,_ McCoy told himself. "I... I know it's nothing you've done Spock. I... I'm sorry."

There was so much pain in McCoy's voice, Spock had to reassure him somehow. Once more, McCoy had suddenly become his top priority, even as Spock's logic tried to remind him of the bigger picture. But how could he help McCoy? He knew that humans took comfort in physical contact with each other; but since there was no privacy on the bridge, and both their emotions were running too high to maintain control, touch of any kind was most likely not a good idea. So what was Spock supposed to do then?

Jim had always seemed to have been able to get McCoy to calm down. At least when he was around, Spock and McCoy's fights never got _too_ out of control. What would Jim have said to McCoy? Almost the moment the question entered Spock's mind, he suddenly knew. McCoy had taken a strong liking to the moniker Jim had given him, perhaps there lay his answer.

"I understand, Doctor," he said gently. "I'm sure the captain would have simply said, 'Forget it, Bones.'"

Spock was not certain what reaction he expected from McCoy, but the one he got certainly _wasn't_ it. The corners of McCoy's mouth twitched in the shakiest of smiles, then his eyes rolled back in his head as his body pitched forward in a faint. Spock caught him under the arms and held him up as others rushed forward to help.

His emotions were threatening to take over again. Spock closed his eyes and willed himself to remain calm. With McCoy seemingly out of commision, Spock was truly on his own.

As McCoy was being carried off, Spock caught something out of the corner of his eye. When he turned around he could scarcely believe his eyes.

There in front of him was the ghostly apparition of Jim Kirk, still wearing that environmental suit he had on when he and the _Defiant _had vanished. His mouth was moving, but no sound was coming out. Spock read his lips.

_Hurry, Spock!_

Spock knew two things with absolute certainty: there was no such things as ghosts, and despite the stress of the situation, he had not yet gone insane. That only left one explanation:

_Jim is still **alive**._

For the first time since this whole situation started, Spock started to feel an inkling of hope. He was careful not to let himself get too excited. Jim was still alive but he was hardly out of danger, as was the rest of the crew. But still, this was the best thing to have happened yet.

* * *

The news that Jim was still alive spread through the ship faster than the space madness had, even without the use of the ship's intercom. Uhura had regained consciousness and was returned to active duty. She briefly informed Spock that McCoy had apparently regained consciousness en route to sickbay and had refused rest-instead going back to work on finding that cure. He had gotten news of Jim's survival as well, and it seemed to have given him a renewed determination.

Spock was managing to maintain control, but it was still a challenge. Fear and grief had given way to near giddy hope and determination amongst the crew-and Spock was finding it difficult not to join them.

He and Scotty had met in Spock's cabin and managed to figure out what had happened: while the _Defiant _had been flung away, Jim had remained behind. The time of the interphase had changed. They only had one chance this time, everything must be taken into account-including interference by the Tholians.

"That'll be about twenty minutes," Scotty said. "But we'll only have eighty percent power buildup."

"It'll have to do, Mr. Scott," Spock said. _But will it be enough?_

Just then the door chimed, interrupting Spock's train of thought.

The door opened and McCoy walked in, carrying what looked like drinks on a tray. Spock stared at him. McCoy was actually smiling, and there was the faintest hint of a sparkle in his eyes.

"What have you got there?" Scotty asked curiously.

"Compliments of the house, to your good health and the health of the crew."

"You found the antidote Doctor," Spock realized. He had had faith that McCoy was intelligent enough to succeed, but at the same time he had feared that McCoy might succumb to the madness himself before he could do so. He wanted to express some sort of congratulations, but Scotty was still present so Spock kept himself distant.

McCoy explained that everyone on board had responded well to the treatment, including Chekov who had since returned to his duties.

"What is it?" Scotty asked, taking a cup and sniffing it.

"It's a diluted theragen derivative," McCoy explained.

"Theragen, a nerve gas used by the Klingons," Spock was somewhat shocked, as was Scotty. _What gave him the idea to try that?_

"Aye, and deadly too! What are you thinking of Doc? You trying to kill us all?" Scotty was looking at McCoy as if the doctor was insane.

Spock tried to aid McCoy. "As I recall, it is causes fatality only in it's pure form."

"That's right, and in this derivative, mixed with alcohol it merely deadens certain nerve impulses to the brain."

Scotty looked amused. "Why any decent blend o' scotch will do that."

McCoy was clearly trying not to laugh, and even Spock felt slightly amused.

After a few more words Scotty drank his serving of the antidote and left, taking the bottle with him.

"Don't worry," McCoy said to Spock, still amused. "I already gave everyone else on board the treatment, the two of you were the only ones left."

Spock stared down into his cup swirling the liquid around.

"Well, drink it down Spock, it's the human thing to do."

Spock looked up sharply. He was Vulcan, not human. What did McCoy mean by that?

"That's a medical order, Captain," McCoy said, his voice free of irony or sarcasm. There was nothing but respect in his voice and mannerisms.

For a long moment they held each other's gaze, then McCoy broke the spell. "I'd better be ready at the transporter room, Jim's suit is going to be out of air soon and he'll need treatment."

Spock swallowed down the antidote and watched McCoy's retreating form. There was no time for it now, but eventually they would have to discuss what had happened between them in Jim's cabin. Giving in to McCoy's advances had been an emotional reaction, and yet it had also seemed almost... logical somehow, in a way he could not articulate.

There was still the theory that the space madness had been to blame, or that combined with the grief over Jim's supposed death, but if that were the case, then why just now when McCoy had shown up with the cure- Spock had wanted to congratulate him... with a kiss.

* * *

Relief was a very draining emotion, as Spock had learned on more than one occasion. The Tholians had fired another tractor beam, and the Enterprise resisted it, and in so doing had been flung clear of the web. The ship's safety had thus been assured, but what about Jim? Had they been able to beam him on board in time?

Everyone on the bridge seemed to be holding their breath as they awaited word from the transporter room. In moments of severe tension, Spock could not help but observe, one's sense of time tended to become distorted. It could not possibly have been more than five minutes at most-but it felt like hours.

Eventually McCoy's voice came in over the intercom, actually shaking with excitment and joy: "Beam up successful! The captain's _alive!"_

The cheering that erupted on the bridge was almost deafening, and it took every ounce of restraint on Spock's part to keep from joining in. For all his efforts, though, he could not keep the corners of his mouth from twitching into a slight smile. He leaned back in the chair and finally felt himself relax. Soon Jim would be occupying the captain's chair once more.

It would turn out to be even sooner than Spock expected. McCoy had wanted to keep Jim in sickbay for at least one solar day to make sure there were no ill effects from his experience. Jim had naturally insisted that he was fine, thanks, and that he'd feel even better if he could just return to work. It was clear that even though he did not have the full details of all that had happened during his absence, he still wanted to finally give Spock a much needed break.

McCoy had felt himself being slightly torn. He did not want to run the risk of losing Jim again so soon after getting him back, but on the other hand he desired to relieve Spock of all the pressure he had been under-pressure that McCoy had only increased.

Jim was determined to return to the bridge, with or without McCoy's consent. The doctor finally relented, but only under the condition that he got to accompany Jim to the bridge and keep an eye on him there.

"The first sign that anything seems amiss, it's back to sickbay you go," McCoy lightly scolded him.

Jim chuckled as he changed back into his uniform. "Sure thing Bones."

Despite Spock's tremendous restraint, he was still clearly happy to see Jim walk onto the bridge completely under his own power. He got down from the chair and Jim took his place, completely relaxed and at ease.

Instead of returning to his own station, Spock had moved to stand next to McCoy as Jim began to tell them of his experiences. McCoy kept his eyes firmly on Jim, feeling himself becoming nervous. Jim was going to want to know what had happened during his absence, what should McCoy and Spock say?

"How did you two get along without me?" Jim asked, smiling.

_Oh, God._McCoy had not been expecting to be asked so soon. Neither he nor Spock had come up with a cover story, and they couldn't tell the truth-how could they? McCoy certainly couldn't. No way could he admit that he and Spock had gone from fighting to trying to tear off each other's clothes. He _especially _could not admit that this had taken place in Jim's cabin!

Spock seemed nearly incapable of lying, with nearly being the key word. When it came to admitting the expression of emotions, he would usually choose deceit over honesty. Would he do so this time? McCoy realized that he had better say something, Jim was expecting an answer.

"Oh, we managed. Er... Mr. Spock gave the orders and I found the answers," McCoy was well aware of the nervous smile on his face, but was at a loss as to how to make it look more relaxed.

"Good then... no problems between the two of you."

"None worth reporting captain," Spock said calmly, his hands clasped behind his back. McCoy's heart was beating so loud he was almost amazed that no one else could hear it. _What are you doing, Spock?_

Jim raised an eyebrow, a habit he had picked up from the Vulcan. "Try me," he said.

"Only such minor disturbances as are inevitable when humans are involved," there was something almost haughty in Spock's tone. A sort of, _I know something you don't know._

McCoy glanced warily at Spock. _He's not really going to tell, is he? _It was not just that admitting what had happened between the two of them would be embarrassing, it was also that what had happened was so private, almost sacred. It was not the sort of thing he wanted broadcast over the entire ship!

"Which humans, Mr. Spock?" Jim asked, giving him a stern look. McCoy caught a quick glance of Spock out of the corner of his eye. No, Spock did not want to reveal what had happened, but he seemed uncertain as to how to avoid doing so. McCoy came to his aid.

"Oh, he means when humans get involved with Vulcans Jim," McCoy said, finding himself getting amused. _Minor__ disturbances indeed._

"Ahhh... yes, I understand." Jim smirked. It seemed that he knew they were keeping something from him, but was willing to respect their right to privacy. "Well I hope my last orders were helpful in solving any problems that you don't feel like reporting."

Spock and McCoy finally made direct eye contact. _Now what? Should we at least tell him we viewed the tape? Or should that be a secret as well?_

"Orders, captain?" Spock asked, his voice innocent. McCoy bit back a smile. The Vulcan was a better actor than he gave himself credit for.

"What orders are you referring to Jim?" McCoy asked, careful to sound as confused and innocent as Spock's.

Now it was Jim's turn to look confused. "My last orders... the last orders I left for both... for both of you..." his voice trailed off as he stared at his two friends. Spock and McCoy exchanged another look. "The last taped orders," Jim finally managed to say when his voice returned, his tone impaitent. _This is no time for games, you two,_ his look seemed to say.

Spock had seemed uncertain about his ability to continue the charade, so McCoy answered for him.

"Ohhh, _those _orders!" McCoy said, as if he had come upon a stunning revelation. He laughed, but it was a nervous sound. "Well, uh... there wasn't time, we never had a chance to listen to them." He followed this up with another nervous laugh. _Just like we didn't have any time to reherase this story!_

"No, you see the crisis was upon us and then passed so quickly captain that we..." Spock's voice trailed off uncertainly. He gave a slight shrug. McCoy had been nodding in agreement and encouragement the entire time, ready to jump in if Spock got into trouble. He and Spock locked eyes, and McCoy gave him a slight smile. _Nicely done, I think he fell for it._

Perhaps, or perhaps not. Jim was studying them carefully, seeming to pay extra close attention to their body language and how they were interacting with each other.

"Good... good... well... I hope we won't have similar opportunities to test those orders... which you never heard?" He seemed to be giving them one final chance to come clean. Spock's expression had become stoic once more. McCoy shuffled nervously and glanced away, hoping the truth was not written all over his face.

Finally Jim let them off the hook, ordering Sulu to move ahead to warp factor two. Spock moved to return to his station, placing his hand on Jim's chair as he did so. It was as close to physical contact as he would allow himself at the moment, his emotions too muddled for direct contact.

Spock was not sure why, but the viewing of the tape seemed to be as private as the mind-meld he and McCoy had shared. It was as if they _couldn't _mention one without bringing up the other. He knew that Jim was suspicious. How much could the captain figure out on his own?

More importantly, when could he and McCoy finally discuss what had happened between them-and what they should do about it? They could pretend with Jim and the rest of the crew that nothing had happened, but not with each other.

* * *

All of the excitement and severe changes of mood had finally taken its toll on McCoy. He could not remember the last time he had felt so tired. Jim had _finally _gone off to bed, and suggested that McCoy do the same. He then turned around and gave the same suggestion to Spock. Both times he phrased it as an order.

Now McCoy was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Jim had been giving him and Spock funny looks all evening. _We **really **should have rehearsed that cover story, _McCoy thought ruefully. Jim defiantly knew that something was up, McCoy could only hope that he would not try to press the issue further.

McCoy allowed his thoughts to drift over to Spock. Was he getting any sleep? He didn't seem to hold any resentment towards McCoy for forcing him to express emotions, but then again with him it was so hard to tell. Was he thinking about that kiss, the mind-meld? Did thinking of it bring him happiness, or humiliation? Maybe a little of both? McCoy wished he knew. They had become closer, but there still remained a lingering distance.

_Perhaps that's better, safer for us both. _McCoy tried to reason with himself. That moment though... he could not stop thinking about it. What if Scotty hadn't interrupted at that instant? What would it have been like? McCoy found himself wishing they could have finished what they had started, though he knew they had done the right thing by stopping.

_I'm never going to know, am I? _

A chime at the door pulled McCoy out of his thoughts.

"Come," he said.

He was a bit surprised to see Spock walk in.

"I hope I am not disturbing you, doctor," Spock said softly. Was there the faintest trace of nervousness in those eyes?

"No, no, not at all. Here, want to sit down?" McCoy pulled his legs up to his chest and gestured to the foot of the bed.

Spock lingered in the doorway for a moment, then slowly joined McCoy. There was a long moment of silence.

"You're here about what happened in Jim's cabin, aren't you?" McCoy finally asked.

Spock gave a slight nod.

"Look, Spock, before you say anything... I want to apologize to you. My whole behavior throughout this entire thing was cruel and unfair, and I'm sorry."

"You have already apologized for your transgressions three times, McCoy. How many more times are necessary before you are convinced that I hold no resentment towards you?"

McCoy blushed. "Sorry," he muttered, then realizing what he just said, laughed.

Did the corners of Spock's mouth just twitch?

"Anyway," McCoy said when he finally regained control, "If you're not here to listen to an apology, what _are _you here for?"

Spock cleared his throat. "What happened between us," he said softly, "was brought on in part by the situation we had found ourselves in."

_You're saying it was a one time only deal because our emotions were running high, right? _McCoy thought. He had to admit he suspected as much.

"Perhaps it is I who should apologize to you," Spock was saying now.

_Wait, what? Did I miss something?_

"What do you mean?" McCoy asked, puzzled.

"You were in a highly emotional state, perhaps it was unfair of me to-"

"Wait, hold it!" McCoy said, and without thinking placed his hand over Spock's mouth to silence him.

Spock pulled McCoy's hand away, but surprisingly held on to his wrist.

"Listen, Spock. _I _pushed _you._ You never would have gone along with things if I hadn't pushed you to that point." McCoy took a deep breath.

_I'm trying to offer you a way out, you overgrown jackrabbit!_ McCoy bit down hard on his tongue to keep the words from escaping. He did _not _want to get into another fight. He closed his eyes and continued.

"Look, let's not try to figure out who's responsible for what here. Since we keep trying to take on all responsibility ourselves, maybe we can just say that we _both _should have tried harder to control ourselves."

Spock had not released McCoy's wrist. "Perhaps," he said. He slowly ran his thumb across McCoy's knuckles, then looked him straight in the eyes.

"I cannot entirely convince myself that it was just the dire circumstances that made me want to..." he trailed off, embarrassed. "I think that even if it had not happened now, it might have at some point in the future."

"What, you mean you still-" McCoy couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. Besides, the answer was already there in Spock's eyes. _My God,_ McCoy thought. He was fully aware of the amount of courage it took for Spock to admit this. _Is that why you didn't want to accept my excuse?_

"Yes, the... emotions I felt then... they're still here. You feel them as well, I see."

"Yeah..." McCoy nodded. _That obvious, huh?_ "What should we do about it?" McCoy knew what _he _wanted to do, and he had a feeling that Spock did too. The question was, was Spock brave enough to do it? _He made the first move by coming in here, maybe you should make the next one._

McCoy hesitantly leaned forward and gently kissed Spock. Spock lightly brushed his fingers across McCoy's face. He knew their emotions could cloud their judgement in future situations... but at the same time, if their emotions were shared and returned, would it be wrong not to act on them? Why was it that when it came to McCoy logic and emotions became one hopelessly tangled web? What was the right choice?

McCoy pulled Spock closer to him, and Spock returned the embrace. In that moment they had found their answer.

* * *

**_The end! I hope you liked it. Please leave a review._**


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